The Art of Living with Uncertainty

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Lately, I’ve been grasping for certainty. I’ve convinced myself that definite answers would soothe the relentless thoughts in my mind. Where should I live? What should I pursue? What kind of person do I want to become? These are the questions that plague me. 

And sometimes it seems like the more I chase after answers, the more they elude me.

But I still do, because entertaining uncertainty is anxiety-inducing. It means having to cope with negative emotions that come with not knowing. It means giving up control.  So I sometimes choose to settle for what is certain. 

Coping with uncertainty has been a frequent topic of discussion among my friends, with most of us living in a relatively dynamic period of our lives. This leads to ways in which we attempt to make sense of ambiguity in our lives. We stay at our jobs because they are stable. We might even forgo entering a relationship since a happy ending isn’t guaranteed. It often feels better to grasp at what is clear and tangible, than to leave space for gradual developments.

While researching I stumbled upon a fascinating quote from Pema Chödrön that gives great insight into the meaning or benefit of holding space for the unknown.

“As human beings…we seek resolution… We also feel that we deserve resolution… We suffer from resolution… We deserve something better than that…our birthright, which is…an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.”

You don't need certainty to move forward. You need the courage to act on what you know, patience for what you don't, and trust that clarity will come with time.

The Anxiety that Accompanies Uncertainty

In his book Stumbling on Happiness, Harvard psychologist, Daniel Gilbert shares a shrewd observation about our propensity to create certainty in our lives. When discussing the human brain, he refers to it as an “anticipation machine, and ‘making future’ is the most important thing it does.” We do this to achieve desired outcomes and avoid adversity. Uncertainty can seem like an obstacle standing in the way of our idealized results, which can often lead to anxiety. Understanding our tendency to pursue answers, even when time will naturally reveal them, can help us shift from being consumed by uncertainty to developing a healthier and more manageable relationship with it.

Effects of Rapid Change on our Psyche

We have more information, options, and freedom than generations before us could have ever dreamed of. We can research a career before pursuing it, compare cities before moving to them, and scroll through thousands of potential partners before going on a date. Somewhat paradoxically, having more information doesn't necessarily make us feel more certain. Sometimes it just gives us more things to consider.

For much of human history, people were generally more rooted in the communities where they grew up. Today, it is common to leave home in search of education, career opportunities, relationships, or lifestyle changes. Currently 58% of Americans live in a place besides where they grew up. This introduction of more variables than we historically would’ve ever dealt with can then lead to a desire for certainty. 

You may find yourself in this situation, tempted to do anything possible to come up with answers to questions that require time to appropriately unfold. Instead of trying to immediately create a resolution pause and say or write to yourself:

“I’m struggling to make sense of this situation. My intentions are noble and I don’t need to have an answer right at this moment. I am willing to do the work diligently and clarity will come with patience and time.”

You might have to repeat this each time your mind grasps for control. And that’s ok!

A simple statement like this shifts this unsettling desire for control that is below the surface. Our mind holds quite a bit of power. By choosing to reframe doubts, we increase our tolerance for ambiguity and put ourselves in a better situation to gradually gather information, live in the present, and avoid forcing an answer. 

Why Forcing Clarity Can Stifle Growth

Trying to force clarity can adversely affect a situation. For instance, pushing too hard, too quickly can harm the health of a blossoming new relationship. It is not unnatural to want to arrive at a place of confidence in a relationship so as to protect oneself from relational limbo.  Wanting clarity is normal, but to force it early on can actually stifle growth and enjoyment in the early stages. Some of the most rewarding endeavors in life do not guarantee you certainty the moment you embark on them. They are a process with several stages, each meant to be embraced and enjoyed for what they are. 

A study by psychologists at Sapienza University of Rome examining reactions to uncertainty found that ambiguity can influence decision-making patterns. When people experience stress, fatigue, or perceived threat, they may be more likely to prefer simple explanations, rely on stereotypes, and make decisions quickly rather than gathering additional evidence. In other words, people with a high desire for certainty tend to prefer an answer over the best answer.

What does that look like in relationships? It may play out as committing too early before truly forming a romantic friendship or choosing to stay with an incompatible partner because you are certain they won’t leave you. It can even look like settling because you think there can’t possibly be someone out there who shares your same values.

This aversion to uncertainty can apply to your work life as well. In college, I studied financial planning and worked some internships in the industry. Early on, I knew that working in finance would not be the best use of my skills. I wanted to create! I wanted to shape the office culture and introduce initiatives that would make a big impact. Such a highly regulated and structured career couldn’t have provided that for me. I decided to take the risk and change career paths in spite of personal doubts and I’m very glad that I did. 

Changing career pursuits led me to some riveting conversations, new friendships, new cities, and seeking increased support from my friends and family.  

Uncertainty as an Opportunity for Dependence on Others

A hallmark of American culture is independence. Landing a job without help, healing from traumas on your own, and attaining success is viewed as indications of strength. 

I would argue that being capable of taking care of yourself, being motivated at work, and having a vision for the future are noble endeavors. You should want to do these things regardless of help available to you. But how much more might you accomplish while in the company of others? How much more satisfied might you be with the support of great friends and family, providing a listening ear, words of encouragement, and warm embraces along the milestones? 

Uncertainty can allow us to open up to our partners, friends, or family, and God. Healthy interdependence helps foster intimacy with our loved ones. Sometimes when we feel that everything is clear and going well in our lives, we don’t find as much of a need for others. There can be a fear of letting others know too much about your hopes and goals. Openness to express one’s inner world (while not oversharing) can be a powerful way to arrive at a less extreme, more well rounded view of love, culture, politics, or any other area of interest. If we had all the answers, we would not need each other.

Cultivating Healthy Certainty Through Action

It is possible that some of the uncertainty in your life can be attributed to inaction. Perhaps you aren’t sure about the new city you moved to because you have not been proactive. You might have thought that great friendships, a job, or hobby would simply fall in your lap. There is an extent to which these things are found organically, but I’ve noticed in post-grad life, they are cultivated through your willingness to take a risk and engage. Don’t be afraid to initiate by inviting a new acquaintance to join you on a hike, consistently going to church, or volunteering. 

If you are feeling stuck at your current job, consider networking and applying for a new one. If you are frustrated about your situation, contemplate what you can do about it. Acknowledge what is within your power to change and act accordingly! This is not about trying to control everything in your life, but instead being active rather than passive, understanding that many situations in life are up to you to make a good decision or positive change. 

Reframing Uncertainty as Excitement

Why do we become engrossed in shows and books? We don’t know the outcome. We often enjoy being surprised and anticipation can be thrilling. Try to reframe uncertainty in your mind as excitement. Nervous about starting your new job? Envision your first days as dynamic and fun-filled, giving yourself grace for adjusting to the novelty. Not sure about whether or not that first date will go well? Think about the privilege of getting to know a new person and what you might learn from them. 

This past Saturday, I went to the Cheekwood Estate and Gardens with a good friend. We planned to meet up but left most of the day open after wandering the gardens. We ended up spending the entire day together, going where the wind took us. Embracing the spontaneity of it all, we made a stop at my favorite taco shop, devoured some ice cream, and watched the sunset. Had we parted ways after wrapping up our original plans, I would’ve missed out on one of my favorite memories of the summer. It was very special and very unplanned. This example may seem trivial, but if we can’t let go of control over the small things in life, how on earth will we do it with the big things? 

Who or What is Certain in Life?

In my search for certainty, I’ve found the most comfort in learning more about God's unchanging and definite nature. If I had all the answers to the key questions in my life, I would probably find a way to convolute them. Trusting in someone much wiser than myself is the only way that I can truly come to terms with questions I have about my purpose, where I should live, who I should marry, or what my occupation should be.

I don’t actually need to know all of these things. God knows them. He sees the entire timeline of your life. Only when you begin to trust in His will and timing, will you find resolve from your desire for answers. When surrendering to Him feels difficult, say a simple prayer:

“God, right now I find myself grasping for answers. I’m worried that I might not make the right choice. I want this to turn out great and I need your help. Please close the doors that are not meant for me. Give me the discernment to create space for what you have in store for me. Give me peace and hope. I trust you.”

Invitation to Reader

In the past few months, I have experienced more uncertainty than ever before. And, at times, it has been difficult. I’ve had to surrender my desire for control and learn to trust that not every answer needs to arrive immediately. Through countless conversations with friends and my own research, I’ve come to understand that the more comfortable I become with uncertainty, the more peaceful I experience.

The truth is, life is always changing. We can resist what we cannot control, or we can choose to build the resilience to move with it. So today, I invite you to do something unusual, to rejoice in times of uncertainty.

When we untether ourselves from specific outcomes, we create more room to experience the present. Choose to see the silver lining hidden within a situation that has not yet revealed its answer. Pay attention to what uncertainty is teaching you, whether it is patience or courage. When the answers finally arrive, you’ll realize that the season of not knowing served the purpose of refining you.

Maybe uncertainty isn’t something we must always resolve but rather something we are meant to learn from.